The Smiles We Wear


Image from weheartit.com

She sits up in the quiet of her apartment. Not a sound but her movement and a leave blower in the far off distance. She stares at the floor as her toes pinch at the carpet. A sigh escapes her mouth as she brushes her brunette locks out of her face. The quiet already begins to make her uneasy as she grabs her phone and turns on Pandora. She selects a station of French jazz as it fills her room. She pushes herself up from the bed, her legs getting used to the weight of her body. She doesn’t turn on a light because the pain it would cause her eyes at this point is not worth it.
She finally hears a noise in the next room as her girls rustle around. She slips on her pajama pants and comes out into the hall. She pops into their room and says good morning. The oldest is still bed and the youngest is lying on the ground next to her bed, squirming on the floor like a fish out of water. She rolls hers eyes and a small smile comes across her face as she prompts them for breakfast.
Soon the girls are sitting at the table eating cereal and watching Mickey Mouse. She wanders back down the hall after starting the coffee pot. She grabs her work outfit for the day and her bra and panties and heads for the bathroom. She looks at her tired eyes in the mirror and yawns, she pinches her little tummy and hoists her breasts up to where they were five years ago. It wasn’t too much of a difference, but that second child was like a milk vampire and her nipple had gotten so big from her abusive little mouth. She laughed when she made her nipples hard.
She took her shower and braided her hair once she was out, letting it dry in the braid. She slipped on her work clothes and tightened the straps on her bra before slipping on her shirt. Might as well make them seem like they were 25 again. She smiled and admired herself in the mirror. She was pretty, but she was definitely older. She winked at herself.
The oldest had already gotten dressed in the clothes her mother laid out for her the night before. The youngest was strewn around the couch. She prompted them to brush their teeth, and they both went into the bathroom with only being told four times, the last with a little growl. She poured her coffee into her tumbler and put her non-dairy creamer in and one sugar as she slid the toast down into the toaster. She loved bread but didn’t want to eat it all the time, so she started to make toast in the morning with some of her favorite raspberry jam.
She looked up from her toast and her eyes caught a family picture on the fridge. He was there, smiling, now he was across town. Today was the day they were going with him. She felt that familiar tightening in her chest, she would be saying goodbye to her children this morning for a whole week. She breathed deep and pushed the tears back down. She put her toast together into a sandwich and slid it into a sandwich bag.
It only took until the very last minute to get them all out of the house, still dragging the youngest behind her. She hugged them both tightly as she put them in the car. She started her old clunker that she got from her parents and pulled out of the carport and headed to their home so they could watch the youngest for the day. She saw her youngest playing with her chestnut brown hair and using it as a paintbrush on the foggy windows, a small smile played on her face. Her oldest had a thoughtful look on her face and then she locked eyes with her in the rearview. Her eyes were no longer thoughtful, but intense, and with tears at the edge of them. She knows what today means.
They pull into the driveway of her parent’s home and she gets out and walks around to her youngest’s door and lets her out and squats down to hug her tightly and stands up, her daughter’s legs swing in the air as she laughs. She kisses her on her soft rosy cheeks and sets her down. She tells her to be good for grandma and grandpa and she said she would. Grandma comes out and kisses the oldest and her daughter on the cheek and gives her a hug, she knows what today means too.
They waves as they leave the driveway. The road is long to school and her daughter sat their quietly. She told her she loved her. The daughter repeated the sentiment quietly from her seat. She looked in the rearview and saw her looking out the window but knew the face. She knew she was crying. She had a way of crying without making a single noise. She told her daughter she knew it was hard and that she would always love her no matter what happened. He daughter sniffled and shook her head.
 But them her daughter called her name and pointed out the window. In the distance a wide rainbow could be seen in the coming rain, cast by the morning sun. It looked like the clouds were raining colors. They marveled at it together. They talked about the colors. They enjoyed their moment. It was their moment. It couldn’t be stolen, it was something they would remember together. Her daughter said she should have snapped a pic, but then she said that they did, right in their heads. It was a picture for them to share. Her daughter seemed pleased with that answer.
They were at school, she came around and hugged her daughter. Then her daughter saw some friends and said goodbye as she ran away from her. She waved with a smile on her face, shielding her pain from the surface. She watched her daughter disappear into the grounds of the school, she would see her on FaceTime tonight hopefully for a fleeting moment. She got into the car and started it up, she was able to make it two blocks from the school before balling her eyes out. The tears splashed on her pants and she leaned against the wheel. She pulls her parts together and drive to work with her sunglasses hiding the trails of her tears as she wiped the strays away.

“The Smiles We Wear” by Rio Martin

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New Grounds

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So life as a single father and writer is challenging. Time seems to be one of those things that doesn’t happen for one who needs to write, raise children, work a full time job, and is going through a divorce as well as learning how to be single again. I am ill prepared. I sleep 4-5 hours a night. I take anti-depressants. I am lonely.

I wake in the mornings with immediate action happening in an otherwise zombie like body. I trudge around waking children if they hadn’t woke me already and wander about trying to feed them without waking my parents. Oh yes, did I mention I had to move back home with my already helicopter parents. It sucks big guerilla balls. Anyway, I manage to feed them and then I bypass food in order to shower. I come out and they are usually ready to get changed into clothes at that point. My older boy can pick his own clothes thank goodness. My youngest is like trying to put a tuxedo on a carp.

If my inner beast mode dad hasn’t kicked in yet and my patience has stayed intact, then we move onto grooming them and brushing their teeth. From their I take my goblins and say be free until we leave. They meander into their own little worlds and I attempt to shove food in my face like a death row inmate and pour nearly scolding coffee down my scarred throat in an attempt to jump start my body.

The time has come to load them up. If the youngest is staying with Grandma and Grandpa, I give him a hug and wish them luck. If he isn’t, I drag him out of the house like he is being taken to the gallows. My oldest usually looses his shoes, or looks for his backpack, or finds some other reason to drag his feet. We make it to the car by the grace of the Universe.

I drive around like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver and deliver them with a quickness to their perspective destinations. I sigh a breath of relief. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys and would slaughter anyone who fucks with them, but I don’t know one parent whose shoulders don’t drop a little after they drop their kids off.

I then proceed to shove myself through eight house of work. Doing a soul crushing job weighs on you like adding a small pebble to a bag on your back everyday. Do that over nine years and you want to just let your legs go and collapse under the weight. But you can’t, you push through because kids have to eat, alimony has to be paid, creditors circle like vultures waiting to pick the meat from your proverbial monetary bones.

I stopped smoking 9 years ago when I found out I was having my first child. I was like fuck this noise, it’s expensive and my wife smoked and quit and I wasn’t going to be a dick about it. Plus, I had to not be dying of cancer on these kids from doing something stupid like smoking. So, I stopped. I may have one cigarette when I am really drunk, but I usually feel like crap the next day and hate the smell of it. So I am over it. So that little escape does not exist anymore.

I get off work and pick up my boys, I hug them and ask them about their days. Sometimes the stories vary in length or they are like the never ending story. I enjoy hearing about their days as a happy escape from my day. I listen to them talk to each other in the car. I occasionally chime in on their conversations of come in to regulate on an argument.

I come home with them to my Mom cooking dinner or us going out to dinner. I miss my own kitchen. I miss making food for my boys. But it is not my kitchen and I don’t want to overstep my bounds in a place that is not my own. I know they would say otherwise, but it doesn’t feel that way, period.

My youngest debates actually eating. My oldest picks through his food and eats what he wants. I eat the food because I am hungry and have to show my appreciation for the food. We talk, we eat, and we clean up. I wash the boys after dinner and they run around in PJ’s afterward. Washing these boys has honestly gotten a lot easier, so I am thankful for that. I usually just hand out in the bathroom to make sure no one dies and manage time because we are on a septic system. I hang out with them and we watch cartoons or play games.

From there it is usually bed time. I take them to bed. Some nights it is a scene from the WWE and some nights its cuddles and kisses. I have them FaceTime their mother and they talk to her for 5 minutes or so before bed. Then they say goodbye and we go from there. I pull my lil one’s toddler bed closer to his brother’s and turn on music for lullabies and sing them to sleep. they now fall asleep within minutes with me singing to them. It is something that has taken time to figure out. But with a combination of my touching their legs or patting them and singing soft songs to them, it comforts them and they fall asleep. I used to just want to be alone and get them to sleep. But feeling their small bodies finally relax under my touch and hearing their sleep sounds in an otherwise melodic room, it makes me happy.

So by 8-9pm I go by my parents and talk to them for a little before retiring to my room. I go on my writing social networks and talk to friends. My mind is muddled from the day and I try and see if I can find some strand of creativity in my body left from the day. I sometimes do and I start writing. But other days I just end up playing Skyrim or talking to friends. I feel like I am lost in a way but I also feel like I am so different. I am not who I was in either way. I am not who I was before I was married, nor am I the same guy I was when I was married. I am a new creature. I am something else. I am a single father.

I conclusion I feel I must say, my life is crazy, it’s packed, and it’s a regular cluster fuck. But all in all it isn’t half bad. I hope to use my tax return to finance my first and last months rent. I also hope to finally come to a new agreement for the money with my ex because the original six months is up on our agreement and something new must be discussed. I also hope to be filing soon. So this is how it is. This is my life. So if I ever sound a little crazy or a little nuts… Well now you know why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wolf and Cubs

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His pack fell victim to a bull moose during a hunt. one member could not handle their position and all were lost. His mate, gutted by a powerful stomp of the bull moose, crushing her rips right through her fur. He suffered a wound across his flank but was the only one of four wolves to survive the hunt. All he was able to bring back was an unsuspecting rabbit. The cubs tore into it and he sat there listening to them eat. He licked his wound, mourning the loss of his mate. He stared at the moon that night in front of the den, howling a mournful song. Eventually falling to sleep at the entrance of the den.

In the morning he stretched, frost shook from his fur when he shook off the cold. The cubs were playing with each other in the den. He had three mouths to feed and no help. He was wounded but not badly and would have to be the alpha from this point on. He growled at them and they stumbled into their own brand of attention to him. They followed him to the nearby brook where they all drank. He kept a watch on the surrounding woods for any signs of danger. The cubs held no vigilance when they tumbled around the water’s edge. He sighed to himself and then growled to them and they once again followed him back to the den.

The cubs knew he was leaving them again. There was no guard, there was no protection, there was only him. He knew if he left them, a mountain lion could simply come in and take all three without even a fight. So he brought them with him, they would be old enough to learn to hunt in another cycle of the moon. He trotted along with the cubs in tow. They kept up with him through the woods until they made a clearing and he growled at them.

They laid down at the edge of the clearing and watched as he crept into the tall grass. It wasn’t long until they heard the sound of squeal fill the air. He came back with a small suckling in his mouth. He would hardly consider it a packs meal. But he found it fed the four of them well enough. The cubs watched him intently throughout the next couple of days. Watching how he would slowly stalk off and within an hour or less, he would be back with food for the four of them.

This went on for four cycles of the moon. The cubs had grown and were now taking his side on the hunt. They have learned how to flank prey and trap them for the kill. He was proud of his young cubs and how they had learned and grown. That night they fed on a fat turkey that their sister was able to track and the two of them helps frighten the turkey right into her waiting jaws. Their faces mawed in the fowl’s blood. They slept in their den peacefully that night.

He took them along a large game trail, thinking they were ready for the trial ahead. He stopped, the cubs had also sensed it. They had stumbled into an area that made them back towards each other. He was hoping for having them take down their first deer. But something much different was happening that day.

The snort shifted the dust around it’s nose as it rose from the bushes ahead. It’s long legs lumbered into the path like fur covered saplings. The scent was unmistakable, it was the same beast that cost him his pack, his love. His fur rose and a deep growl that the cubs had never heard him make before rumbled through him, but within seconds, instinct took over and pack mentality won over their minds. They had their prey. This great beast was what they would dine on tonight.

He snarled, keeping the bull moose’s focus on him, the alpha. Their sister was the beta and took lead on flanking the left with one of the brothers. The other slipped into the brush to the right. His teeth parted as his growl intensified. He walked slowly towards the bull moose. Still keeping it’s attention. The bull moose lowered it’s head, aiming itself in defense to the immediate danger.

She stalked with her brother around to the side of the largest creature they had ever seen, but fear wasn’t in them, only the thrill of it all. She saw he brother on the other side of the brush. The slowly crept up until they were right beside a leg.

He knew it was time and let out a fierce bark at the moose, who was ready to charge. It flinched and that’s when the cubs launched out of the brush, each of them sinking their teeth into the tendons of the bull moose’s legs. It let out a blood curdling noise as it felt it’s leg muscles being shredded by sharp teeth. It’s massive head swung around and he lunged at the beast and bit down as hard as he could on the bull moose’s neck tearing a large chunk of flesh from it. A spray of arterial blood filled the air as the beast wailed again.

The chunk fell away from his mouth as he tore into the beast’s last good leg. it’s other legs failing as the tendons had already been ripped apart. It fell to the ground with a thunderous crash. She barely dodged under the falling behemoth and joined her father and brother’s on the other side. The last gasps escaped the bull moose as the family already started to tear into his flesh.

“Wolf and Cubs” by Rio Martin

Single Android


Image taken from Pinterest

Another episode of Single Dad. When things that are unexpected happen and you are unsure how to deal with them. My reaction, once the intial emotion has burned very bright is to become extremely logical and surgical. Decisions are being made and I realize that being an emotional creature in this moment will serve no one any benefit. So I have gone total Skynet. 

Now I am just dealing with it in the best way I can. By making logical decision, cold and emotionless. Time has run out on agreements and I can no longer deal with my current living situation and how long it seems it will last. So here I sit, cold and dark inside, looking at everything in 1’s and 0’s instead of Fire and Brimstone. It is best for me, but I guess that’s the deal now. I have to look out for my boys and me and if that means going full android for a while during my weeks to myself in order to get my affairs in order… so be it. 

A New Partner

wade

Image from Sony

My old laptop Big Macintosh finally hit his point of being put out to pasture. So I found Wade. Wade is sleek, slick, and way bigger than Big Mac. So now I plan on being way more present since I can blog and everything from here. So I will be putting up way more swag for you peeps. Count on it.

Goodbye Dad Bod!

I am in the process of finally shedding my Dad Bod as modern times has deemed it. I forgot how my genetics favor the process of working out and that we are prone to gaining muscle just as quickly as we can gain fat. So hopefully I can tip the BMI into a positive direction. Here goes nothing!

Sigh

It’s her weekend. Tonight I go home to hug my boys goodbye for a week. It’s like a pit in my stomach. Thankfully they seem to be getting used to it.